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I should have just gone to bed. I have been tired all day, but I wanted to wait up until midnight to wish my oldest son a happy 19th birthday; not that he cared. He is a grumpy young man in his late teens, and he is frustrated that he isn’t quite sure what to do with his life. When I was his age I yearned for freedom, and got it. However, when I was his age, I was also pregnant with him, and very excited about life. He doesn’t have the same passion for life that I do.
He left his clothes in the dryer, and with tears in my eyes, I took it out, and put it in his room. He seemed irritated that I came into his bedroom so late, and that hurt even more. I remember washing his clothes for the very first time and how intoxicating that baby fresh smell of Dreft was. I was so happy to be a mom. I was alone, but I was happy.
This is the only time when that house is quiet. I am sad; so very, very sad. No one cares, so I won’t bother them with my feelings. I feel like they are going to run me ragged. One day, I will drop dead from a heart attack one day and my oldest daughter will look at my middle son and say, “I guess she really was sick.” Right now, they just don’t care. None of them do, including my husband. He pretends like he does, but he complains so much because he wants the attention of being the sick one. But he isn’t sick, I am. If I wasn’t sick, I’d be grateful, not jealous.
They expect me to do everything for them, like I am their personal servant, and I feel like they think I am replaceable. I will die and they will have to find someone new to replace me. Is it wrong to hope it won’t be that easy?
Today is the 19th anniversary of the most wonderful day of my life, the day I became a mother, and here I sit, crying alone. The last thing I said to my husband, before he passed out with a snore that could wake the dead, was “I’m not happy.” I didn’t get a response. I know he loves me, and maybe he didn’t hear me, but I’m starting to feel less and less heard.
I was in the hospital yesterday with horrible chest pain and blood pressure that could have made my kidneys fail. They still make me feel like I’m not doing enough, when I couldn’t possibly do more. I’m trying to take care of myself, but they are so demanding. My goal is to turn that around. I want them to appreciate me and understand that I can’t possibly go on the same way, and live to see my grandchildren. I have a little six month old lady who will be up at any moment wanting to eat a little something before falling back asleep in my arms. Then, my four year old daughter will wake up and crawl into bed in my other arm. It is a sweet little routine that I’ve grown accustomed to. All these feelings are eating me alive, so I think I will definitely go to bed now.